Pharaoh Moans and Victorian Secrets: A Brief History of Sex Toys
Evolutionary fact: people value sex as much as food.
Paleontologists aren’t sure if the polished siltstone phallus of the Stone Age was used for ritual or insertional purposes, though we could hazard a guess: celebrations of male fertility from this era are uncommon. There’s a strong argument that these types of objects were more tools than toys, and were believed (and used!) to promote female fertility
There’s an old rumor contending that Cleopatra DIY-ed the first vibrator by filling a hollowed-out gourd with angry bees. In reality, it’s more likely that she used insertive toys made of polished wood or stone. There’s even record of Julius Caesar presenting Cleopatra with an ornately carved, gold-inlaid, phallic sculpture. Sure beats the hell out of flowers.
It’s Greek to me
A highly resourceful and kinky bunch, ancient Greeks are reported to have fashioned dildos out of materials like leather, wood, and even bread. The penis-shaped loaves were known as “olisbokollikes.” Sounds like a pretty easy way to catch a yeast infection, if you ask me. The gluten-free variety were known as “olisboi,” and Greek soldiers were known to give them to their wives before going off to battle.